Regrets

I often hear people proclaim, “I have no regrets!” or, “I live life without regrets.” As if having regrets is a bad thing, a disappointment, something to be ashamed of. When I looked up the word regret here is what I found:

v. to feel sorry, repentant or upset about
v. to bemoan or grieve the death or loss of
n. a sense of repentance, guilt or sorrow, as over some wrong done or unfulfilled ambition
n. a sense of loss or grief

I have grown up thinking regrets were bad, something to be ashamed of. If you have regrets you’ve made a lot of mistakes, bad choices, wrong decisions. We look in awe and wonder at the person who proudly proclaims, “I have no regrets! I live in the moment. What’s past is past.” They have something we long for. The ability to move forward with a positive attitude and outlook no matter or in spite of past circumstances. The strength and conviction they exude is captivating, enviable.

In taking a close look at the above definitions I see something different. Regret is described as feeling sorry, either by owning your part in whatever happened, whether done by you, to you, because of you or in spite of you, or simply because someone other than you is hurting. In raising my children I have taught them, sometimes we are sorry, not because we did anything wrong, but because the other person is hurting.

“I’m sorry you didn’t win your match today.”

“I’m sorry you missed out on the family trip to Venezuala.”

“I’m sorry your cat died.”

I may have had nothing to do with what caused the pain, and yet there is pain. Feeling sorry doesn’t always mean we did something bad.

Repentant, on the other hand, is feeling sorry or regret for something you did (or didn’t do). This does require ownership in having done something that resulted in a negative outcome, whether to yourself or someone else.

“I’m sorry I hit your car when I swerved to miss the baby ducks crossing the road. I feel terrible about it.”

“I’m sorry my being late to pick you up caused you to miss your flight home. I really screwed up this time.”

Even in being repentant, accepting my part in making a mistake which had a poor outcome for myself or others, does not equal the gravity of what I thought a life of regret held. Instead, by owning my part, I become aware of my human nature, my selfish desires, my character defects. As I recognize my defects I have a choice, I can work on them or I can make excuses for them and continue living the same as I always have. Some defects may get better in time, others may never go away. If that’s the case, why would I work on them? Why do we work at anything? If we have a job, why do we work towards a promotion? If we have money, why do we invest it for it to grow providing a greater return? If we can eat raw food, why do we learn how to cook food? Why not? You might think, all of those examples were taking something you have that is good and making it better. A defect on the other hand is something bad, negative. It’s different. That’s true. If we can work at good things and make them even better, why not try working at ‘bad’ things and see if we can’t make them better as well?

For example, one of my character defects, which has caused me regret on more than one occasion, is my tongue. My sharp tongue, to be more exact. I have a way with slinging words at someone when I feel afraid, offended, backed into a corner, questioned or judged. I could write it off as a coping mechanism which became a necessary tool during my upbringing. Or I could say it is a side effect of the verbal, emotional, mental and physical abuse I endured in my first marriage. Both are understandable and both are an excuse for something I do that hurts others. My first step was recognizing it. Then I determined I didn’t like it and wasn’t willing to just live behind my excuses or reasons. Now I am working on noticing when I am doing it, about to do it, in an effort to find alternative actions to alleviate what is causing me to feel the need to lash out and change my action. Have I mastered it? Heck, no! Not yet, but I am working on it.

Lastly, a sense of sorrow over missed opportunity or unfulfilled ambition. I have a feeling this is the one most people are referring to when they state they have no regrets. I would question just how honest they are being, with themselves more so than with me. What would life be without any regrets? Don’t we all grow up with dreams, ambitions, grandiose plans of what we will do, who we will become, where we will go? Only to find not all of it comes to pass. If you are at all like me, you found yourself pregnant at the young age of seventeen, long before going to college. Even before graduating high school. Do I regret it? Yes. I regret not graduating high school. I regret giving myself heart, mind and body to someone who turned out not to love me the way I thought he did. I regret disappointing people who loved me and had hopes and dreams for how my life would go. I regret what my life could have been had I made different choices.

If I said, I didn’t have regrets, I wouldn’t be being honest. I made choices that affected so much, for myself and for others around me. There is one part I do not regret, and that is keeping my daughter. Choosing to not have an abortion, choosing to raise my child, was the right choice for me. It wasn’t easy, not in the beginning and not for a very long time. It was hard work and came with a string of regrets as I muddled my way through it. Every one of those regrets were an opportunity for me to own my part or turn the other way, blaming someone or something else. I did my fair share of turning the other way. blaming others for my actions and my circumstances.

Feeling sorrow for missed opportunities allows me to see what I did, what I could have done differently, or what I simply have to accept did not turn out the way I had hoped it would. I don’t want to ignore or dismiss instances in my past which may not have had the outcome I desired simply so I can live ‘without regret’ or feel good about myself.

A wise uncle of mine said, “For me regrets occur when looking back at things I cannot change…. lessons on the other hand occur when I look ahead and see things I can hope to do better.”

In that regard, I would say I look back at my regrets and contemplate how I might do things differently going forward. Whether given the same opportunity again, or a completely different circumstance where what I learn from my past regret can help guide a better outcome.

Five Words We Don’t Say/Hear Enough

Words are my love language. It took me a while to determine and accept this. Many have read or heard about the Five Love Languages. They include: Receiving of Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service and Quality Time. I believe there could be a sixth or at least a subset of one of these, Giving of Gifts. There are those who are filled up when they give presents to others. The entire act of shopping, wrapping and then the giving fills them with joy and sense of being loved. This is not me, not that I do not like giving people gifts, just that it causes me stress rather than fills me up.

Initially I thought Words of Affirmation were my love language and set out to fulfill this need in my life. I told my husband repeatedly (also known as nagging) until it hit home. At some point in our relationship he began writing me a simple note every morning before he left for work. He left the note by my sink where I would be sure to find it. Each note brought me a smile, a laugh and a feeling of being seen, missed, loved. Over time I realized his words meant a lot to me, not just the ones that affirmed me, but all of them. The ones telling me about his day, what was on his schedule, his worries, his dreams, his issues.

I felt equally loved if his note was about how beautiful he thought I was or if it was simply telling me his alarm failed to wake him, he was running late, Bye! The message was in the act, not in the words exactly. I began to notice I felt the same way when taking time to read an uplifting story, blog, or listen to a podcast meant to edify and encourage listeners. Ultimately I found I was also fulfilled when I was the giver of the words rather than the recipient.

I told my daughter-by-choice today, I was proud of her. It seemed to take her by surprise. Immediately I took stock of the times I tell my daughter and son-by-birth how proud I am of them. I enjoy letting them know I am proud of them when they try, when they fail and get back up, and when they succeed. I also enjoy telling them I am happy for them when they accomplish something that brings them joy or satisfaction.

While taking stock of how often I do this and how often I have heard this, I realized I could not think of a single time my mother told me she was proud of me. I believe my mother was and would be very proud of me. If she were here today to see where I am in life, I believe she would tell me she is proud of me. She told me she loved me, time and time again. I am very thankful for that and the memories of it. And yet, I realize I long for the memory of hearing her say she is proud of me. Knowing we are loved is a wonderful feeling. Feeling we are seen in a crowded world is comforting. Hearing someone is Proud of us, who we are, what we have done, all or anything we have tried to do, inspires us to continue.

I worry we are waiting, withholding those words until we deem they are worthy. Not wanting to give them too soon, too quickly, concerned in doing so the recipient may think, “Well, they are proud of me, I have arrived!” What if they stop there? What if they know I am proud and decide that’s good enough? What if they don’t? What if in hearing how proud you are of them, they are inspired to go further? To try harder? To take an even bigger risk? What if one success leads to another and another? All because of these five simple words:

“I Am Proud of You!”

Put On Notice 4-24-21

I’m just going to put this right here. On March 29, 2019, I went to court and successfully obtained a Protection/No Contact Order against my ex-husband who continued to harass myself, my husband and my children through Facebook posts, comments on my blog (here), through Private Messages on Facebook and voicemails on my and my husband’s phone.

Let it be known, There is a Protection Order in Place for Kristina Lyn Reddy, her husband and her children. James D. Carroll II, aka Don Carroll Jr. may NOT be in person within 100 ft of the aforementioned individuals, AND he may NOT contact the aforementioned individuals in any way, shape or form, this includes all types of social media, email, voice and text contact. Violation of this Order will result in arrest and potential jail time.

Any and all violations including posts, replies, message are printed and kept on file.

Enlightenment

“Enlighten me”, something said with a tinge of sarcasm when in the middle of a disagreement. Spoken to one with an opposing view. Spoken by one who desires less to be enlightened and more to prove the other view wrong.

And yet, rewind. Try again. Say it one more time, only this time, remove the tinge of sarcasm and replace it with desire. The desire to learn, to grow, to listen with the intent to understand, to grow in knowledge.

I, like most, find myself listening with the intent to respond. Each word spoken, falling up my ears while my mind is actively searching for my response. Unfortunately the result is hearing less the longer this transpires as our brain is only able to focus, truly focus, on one thing at a time. We either focus on what we are hearing, or we focus on what we are creating to say in return. Being the selfish human beings we are, our focus slowly (or quickly) begins to tune out what we are hearing and delve into what we are planning to say.

Defeating the purpose of enlightenment, and seeking instead the self serving activity of formulating a response, an argument.

Meditation, for me, when I choose to partake, has become a source of enlightenment. I have found it difficult to quiet my mind. Turning my thoughts off does not come naturally to me. Instead of giving up on meditation altogether, I have chosen to meditate on what I would like to be enlightened by. Listening to prayer, followed by scripture from the Bible, with a background of soothing music and timely prompts to focus on my breathing, helps me meditate of words I would normally let pass into and out of my consciousness with little thought.

Rather than chastising me for trailing thoughts, I am encouraged to accept them and come back to the word or prayer I was focusing on. Instead of feeling as though I have failed, I am encouraged to once again listen to the scripture and allow it or God to speak to me.

The more I do this, the more I find my trailing thoughts become prayers to God. Accepting the words I have listened to, praying they become a part of my life, my daily activities, how I interact with and treat those around me. And at times, prayer for others who I know are struggling.

Enlightenment feels like the joy, love, peace, gentleness, patience, kindness and truth of the holy spirit flowing gently through my veins, one with my physical body as my spirit communes with God. His peace, the peace that surpasses all human understanding, covers, removes my anxieties, my pain, my hurts – physical, mental and emotional, as I release them all to Him. Replaced with the Word, the living, breathing, Son of God who has the power to take it all upon himself, bear it, die for it and break the chains that bind it to me.

One day I will see enlightenment. It will surpass the human imagination. Grander than any painting created, any sculpture formed, any building designed, it will shatter our hopes, dreams and desires for perfection. To see enlightenment will require the removal of all inadequacies, all imperfections, all distractions, all evil, all wrong-doing past, present and future. It will be heavenly.

In Times Like This

Hello there,

It seems appropriate to start this post with a greeting. So many of us are missing face to face, voice and physical contact these days. While some are going about their lives as normal (don’t get me started on the Spring-breakers in Florida!), others are self quarantined, and still others are somewhere in between.

I have waffled, which is unlike my normal self. I am more of a reactor in general. I see, I hear, I do. Not always the best way to handle things but it is how I do, me. When I received the message midday on a Wednesday that our son’s school would be closing for 2 weeks in an effort to ‘flatten the curve’ (just one of the new buzz word/sayings), I took it in stride. A trickle of joy ran through me as the thought of having our son home for a couple weeks entered my brain.

Imagine my joy when not only school was canceled for 2 weeks, but so was soccer. Don’t get me wrong (yes, I just heard a collective gasp through the cloud slammed back at me), I LOVE watching M play soccer. However, the thought of a couple weeks without school AND soccer, brought visions of the ocean dancing in my head! I quickly began a search for vacation rentals at our favorite WA coast beach town. My hubby, who thinks a lot like me, was doing the same exact thing in another room of the house. We collaborated and booked a house for the following week.

After picking up our ‘son from another mother’, D, we packed up and headed to the coast for 5 days. We called it our spring break. (Now, hold your tongue! We did not party like it’s 1999 or anything of the sort.). We maintained social distancing from other people, ate in our rental home (not in restaurants), went on private walks through the woods, played ping-pong in the garage of the rental, played pickle ball (when no one else was) and did not join in other vacationers gatherings.

That last paragraph, the content of it, was VERY difficult for me (and Laurie). We are social by nature. We see a dog, we go pet it. We see people shooting hoops, we invite ourselves to join in. We see a child playing alone, we ask them to join our group. It’s in our DNA to be inclusive. Needless to say, we struggled, but we heeded all warnings and suggested cautions to maintain social distance. And instead, we had a blast with just our family, D, and Yuto (exchange student from Japan that lives with Laurie). We were our 6 (under 10).

With all this time on my hands I decided to take up an invite to tryout a newly started workout class via Zoom. My long time friend, Jessica Gleason, founder, owner and instructor for SDF (Seattle Dance Fitness) has stretched her creative business skills and is hosting workouts via a video platform. Women who normally went to her live classes at multiple locations throughout North Seattle, needed a way to keep working out and stay connected. I have been so proud of the business Jessica has started, watching it flourish and grow from a guest instructor at local fitness facilities to her own full fledged (FEMALE OWNED AND RAN) business. Talk about BOSS BABE! Just when she was killing it and had added multiple instructors to her booty shaking fleet, the virus hit and through a wrench in her business curve.

Rather than let that knock her out, Jessica picked herself up and began planning. Finding solutions, researching video options and creating a website for access. BOOM! Take that Covid-19. I have now tried a weeknight dance workout, a weekday kid/family hip hop class and a Saturday morning workout. All were fun, physical and made me sweat! Today’s workout unleashed hidden emotion within me, bringing joy and a sense of connection even though I had turned my video part off and knew the others couldn’t see my scary dance moves. We moved, we danced, I’m sure we laughed, we sweated, and we connected through the internet/cloud waves, all because of what Jessica has grown over these past years in her business.

As much as this Blog post did not start out as an advertisement for Seattle Dance Fitness, I guess that is where it has gone. My initial thought was to share what we are doing and how we are fairing so far (which is just fine). We are loosely schooling at home. We are working as much as we can with our real estate clients (email us, call us, text us for real estate advice now and going forward). We are going to church online with Westside Church. We have limited our contact to a small group of about 10 people (our fam, Laurie and her exchange student, D and one other small fam) to keep our social distance responsibility in check. We are getting outside, running, walking, doing workouts at home, yelling at kids to get off screens (not much yelling really), and playing games. And yes, watching some TV.

I am not a gym membership kind of person. Ask my bestie, Dawn, she has tried to get me to join for forever. I am also not much of a go to a workout class kind of person. As much as I am believed to be an extrovert, I do not like group work outs. I am a workout from home, DVD, elliptical, go for a run, kind of gal. I like my group interaction from a distance and without the after workout chat. You heard it here.

Several days ago I caught a small portion of a Facebook Live from my friend Jessica, Owner of SDF (Seattle Dance Fitness). She was sharing her heart with her dance family. Many women (and a few men) go to her classes on the weekly. Some a few times a week. They are seriously a family. I’ve seen the way they interact (from the comfort and safety of my home sneaking a peek on Facebook). With the shut down of groups larger than 50, which stretched out to include Restaurants, Churches, Gyms, and pretty much everywhere except grocery markets and pharmacies, SDF lost their ability to get together and workout. More so, Jess lost her income. Fitness instruction is her bread and butter. No workouts, no money, no paycheck. It broke my heart.

In her video Jess let them all know she was going to start Live classes via a platform called Zoom. Many of us in the business industry and writing world have been using Zoom for meetings for quite a while now. It turns out it can be used for workouts as well! SDF would be offering a limited schedule of classes while they roll it out and add more as the need and ability arises should the need for us to stay home continue. There was a link to her website (which I have linked anywhere you see ‘SDF‘ in this post) and I went to check it out. As well as offering classes via Zoom she was offering the first week free for newbies (like me). I decided to take her up on the offer.

My boys and I attended the Kids/Family Hip Hop last week and I attended a Thursday night as well as a class this morning. Our first two classes we did while we were off on a family trip on the WA coast from our rental. This morning I logged in from home. Both times I was able to connect my laptop to my TV with an HDMI cable. Very cool to follow Jess/SDF on the big screen right in my home! The classes are fun, the music is engaging and Jess does a fantastic job keeping you going for 50 minutes. The moves are somewhat difficult, but she gives you tips and you are able to muddle your way through. I will add, now that I’ve done 3 classes, many of the moves/songs are repeated class to class so you will get the hang of it. Most importantly, YOU WILL SWEAT! And, you will have fun!

Near the end of today’s workout I found myself a little emotional. I really didn’t think I was feeling anything about the situation we are in, the virus, Covid-19 other than caution in regards to germs. I have felt blessed to have the time with my family, the ability to be home, the means to stock up and even to getaway. As I worked out and heard Jess, saw the ladies dancing and having fun, I felt the love, the encouragement coming through the internet/cloud waves directly into my heart, and it felt good. I shed a couple tears, sucked in a big breath and kept moving. The workout wasn’t over!

I want to encourage you to do what you can to help others around you during this time. If you can run to the store for a neighbor, do it. If you have supplies to give, offer them up. If you have the means to order take-out/food from a restaurant, do it. If you have the financial ability to join Seattle Dance Fitness Live Classes during this time, DO IT! I would love to see this small business stay a float during this time, and be able to pick back up strong when we all recover going forward.

So, go to SDF.

Check out the schedule.

Sign up for a punch pass or a monthly membership.

Support this business AND…….

Get ready to shaky your Boo-tay, burn some calories, catch a smile and FEEL the love!

Much love,

Kristi Lyn Reddy
Reddy Real Estate Team – Owner/Broker
Reddy2Write – Author, Blogger
Work-from-home-real-estate-broker-home-school-soccer-mom-wife-work-outer-with-SDF