Warrior's Voice

It’s (not) Just Verbal

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.”

This little limerick rings clear in my head. Kids all across America have grown up chanting this on the playground, in their neighborhoods, or sneering at their own siblings.

“I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you.”

Another limerick, one of the most common responses to a mean word when I was a child. We were taught this by our parents, our teachers. ‘Words are just words’, they would say. ‘Words can’t actually hurt you’, they told us over and over again.

Growing up, we were taught a bully, was someone who beat up kids on the playground, after school, or at the local park. Bullies picked on kids littler than themselves. It wasn’t their words you had to worry about, it was their fists.

‘You might need to defend yourself some day, if a mean kid, bigger than you, traps you in the school bathroom and won’t let you out. You gotta come out swingin’.’ My older brothers taught me that one.

If we told our teacher a kid was calling us names, we were told not to tattle-tale. Nobody likes a tattle-tale. If we persisted, we were often called weak, someone with thin-skin. A good amount of energy was spent on strengthening our resolve to words. If we would only let the words go in one ear and out the other, surely we would be okay. They were just words. In strengthening our ability to let the hurtful words of others roll off our backs, we were taught our pain didn’t matter. It wasn’t real. It was weak. We were weak. Our voice, the one inside of us crying out, “That’s NOT okay,” was silenced.

I grew up checking myself, so as not to be a tattle-tale. Questioning my hurt, needing to justify my pain. Without adequate evidence of wrong doing by the other party, something more than words, it was better left alone. Time after time words, hurtful words, filed away in my the recesses of my mind. My inner voice wanting to call them out, but knowing better, I kept quiet.

“The words of the wicked lie in wait for blood, but the speech of the upright rescues them.” Proverbs 12:6

Words are powerful. Words can build you up. They can tear you down. Words can put a smile on your face, or rip your heart out of your chest. They can free you from a misunderstanding. Or they can can cause division, destroying relationships, communities, governments. Words have the power to silence. To manipulate. To control. To kill.

While intentions were honorable, our parents and teachers were wrong. Sticks and stones may break bones,yes that is true. Words, can paralyze, hold captive, destroy, and even kill a person. By teaching us to ignore words, devaluing their power, we were taught to ignore our inner voice which protects us from potential harm. We were taught to second guess our ability to determine when we were being mistreated, manipulated. We were taught to ignore the early warning signs of abuse, to disregard our own voice.

Now, decades later, it is common knowledge that abusers first groom their victims. One method of grooming is to create a relationship that feels safe and provides a need the victim has. Establishing a dependency on their abuser allowing the abuser to get what they want while seemingly providing what the victim wants or needs. Another form of grooming is to use words to slowly tear the victim down, bring them into a place of submission. Initially the abuser will use minor insults which they will often reference with, ‘Oh, I was just joking. You know that, right?’, to put the victim at ease. This resonates with a person who grew up with ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me’ philosophy.

As time goes on the grooming takes hold of the victim and creates the perfect environment for abuse. Many people share stories that begin with, “He never hit me, it was only verbal abuse, but……”

Verbal abuse.

Emotional abuse.

Verbal abuse, emotional abuse has the ability to alter the victims day to day state of mind. To change or stop altogether their ability to function at school, their job, in their home, and in many social environments. Over time and repeated abuse, the victim loses their ability to make decisions, causing them to question their judgement, knowledge and understanding. In many cases, verbal abuse, leads to brain washing, changing the victim’s perception of themselves, their beliefs, and the view of life and the world around them. It is under this control. this abuse, where many victims find them in a helpless position.

Overcome by low self esteem and self worth, they are unable to get a job with an income to provide for themselves (never mind if they have kids, other mouths to feed). Having been convinced by their past experiences as a child, no doubt reiterated over and over by their abuser, ‘they are only words’, the victim has never called the police to file a report. Ashamed of their inability to have a loving and happy marriage and out of fear of reprimand, the victim remains silent. Not sharing their plight with friends and family. They are isolated, beaten down, scared, alone, hopeless and stuck.

It’s not just verbal, it’s Abuse.

It’s time to stand up and speak out against all forms of abuse.

Warrior's Voice

My Dilemma

The battle rages between my mind, my heart and my fingers as I sit here ready to type. Three blog posts started, words flowing, fingers flying across the keys. One click is all it would take. In that moment, finger hovering over the button, the arrow floating above the word, ‘Publish’. My heart says yes. My mind says no. My finger, waits.

And so I ask, What Would You Do?

Or even better, What Would You Tell Me To Do?

I am compelled to post so many thoughts, truths of my past, current happenings, many of which would reveal circumstances that some would prefer left unknown.

What holds me back: 

  1. A desire not to hurt those I love, who while related, are themselves innocent.
  2. Fear of retaliation. Until now (if I do this), I have ignored, not engaged with my abuser.
  3. I know my abuser follows this blog, my business and author facebook pages.

Why am I compelled to write about these things:

  1. I believe my purpose is to use my story, my past, my present, all I have lived through to help others be able to speak, speak out against abuse.
  2. A survivor of domestic violence I cannot be silent.
  3. I believe if something is Not Okay, we have an obligation to say so.
  4. My abuser thinks if he hides behind the internet, pseudo names, he can continue to get away with abuse.

What do I want to do:

  1. Speak the truth
  2. Reveal the past
  3. Expose my abuser and all he has done and continues to do.

Why:

To live up to what I say and believe, That is NOT OKAY! To take a stand for myself and for others like me. To put a stop to abuse. One life,one post, at a time.

 

So, my question is, What would you do?

 

Warrior's Voice

Voice Unleashed – Warrior Uncovered

Oh to be able to speak my mind.

Believe me, one day I will.

I should say, at times right now, I do.

I speak it loud and clear.

And yet, at times I bite my tongue, hold my thoughts, clench my jaw.

Not because I fear what you all may think.

Oh no, I am well beyond looking for approval.

How to win friends and influence people? I’m not looking for friends I have to win.

As far as influencing, well, okay, maybe I do that a wee bit.

Why the spaces between each line? To give pause to each sentence I type tonight.

Tomorrow is a big day for me. One that I want to write freely about. One that I will write freely about.

The Warrior within me is crying out. Not a sad cry. No longer a lonely cry. Not in fear.

No, she is strong. Her resolve is renewed. She has discovered who she is. Her voice is no longer silenced.

She is ready for battle.

Her army surrounds her. They go before her, along side her, and follow behind her.

She is protected on all sides.

Tomorrow is the day the Warrior cries, “That’s NOT Okay!”

It never was. It isn’t. And it never will be.

 

To be continued……